Well, by the time I post this is will be right about 6pm EST. So, either the Big Exit didn't happen, I was Left Behind or you are reading this postmortem. Whatever it is, I thought I'd help out my preacher friends with a few  lines for tomorrow's service.

The Rapture Happened:

“Well, as you can see, we are missing a few people today.”

“The question to ask yourself isn't, “why did I get left behind?”, so much as, “why am I stuck here with these people?”

“Now that everyone else has presumably been raptured away, I guess we know that, in fact, love doesn't win.”

“So, now that it's just us, I understand there's going to be a lot of fire and brimstone... whose wants to host the barbeque?”

“Being that the time of trials has started, I'm guessing the weather man's job just got a whole lot easier.”

“I have to say, the fact that you know you didn't get swept up into heaven yesterday while others did and yet you came here, would really look good on the books if there was going to be a third coming... but there's not.”

[Pulpit is empty] over the P.A. “Due to the fact that the preacher is not here and you are, we are assuming she was keeping a few things to herself. You may be excused.”


The Rapture Didn't Happen:

“The good news is the Rapture didn't happen. The bad news is I wasn't sure until fairly late last night, so I haven't prepared a sermon. Come to think of it, for many of you that is good news.”

“You may have noticed that we have a few people missing. I know for a fact that the Smith's are at their grandson's graduation. As for the Joneses... well, who's ever been able to keep up with the Joneses?”

“You may have noticed that we have a few people missing. At this point you have to ask yourself, are you sure the Rapture really didn't happen...and if it did, why am I here?”

“I had planned on having all the lights out and asking everyone to hide just as you came in the building, but most people agreed, you'd  probably just think it was a surprise party.”

[Empty clothing scattered all over the sanctuary] A sign at the door reads: “Welcome to our 6pm Rapture Worship – Please Be Seated”

[Empty shoes with dry ice in them at the sanctuary door] A sign at the door reads: “If our ushers are not available, bulletins are on the table.”

“I have a note from God.” [Take paper out of pocket]. “Made ya' flinch!”



So, there you have it. My good deed for the day. No need to credit me (as a matter of fact - don't). I'm glad to be of service during these difficult and trying times. I'm sure you'll return the favor some day. ;-)

Oh and... You. Are. Welcome.