The cover of Newsweek Magazine claimed the President got gay. So, I put on my gumshoes and started slapping the asphalt. It was time to get to the bottom of this seemingly disorienting change in orientation.
The deeper I dug the curiouser the case became. My fact finding skills were stretched to their limits, but in the end my superior ability to cobble together unrelated facts prevailed!
I have some bad news folks, al-Qaeda or some other notoriously insidious and nasty group has managed to spike the drinking fountains in the churches throughout the U.S. with some form of a hallucinogenic. You've got to give them this – it is a brilliant plan. Brilliant.
I mean, churches are the perfect place – just perfect – for working folks into a frenzy over something that is so obviously not true and then getting them to lead a crusade based on that very wrong idea.
What makes me think churches are the perfect place for such a crusade? Well, the Crusades for one.
What proof do I have that hallucinogenics are infecting my fellow church goers? Admittedly, it is early on in this nefarious infiltration via filtrated water, but think about it: who would be more likely to ingest higher quantities of water fountain water from churches than ministers? Right? Right. (Be watchful my friends).
If my airtight logic proves true, we will find evidence of some ministers talking crazy talk as a direct result of the mind altering hallucinogenics. (I know this is frightening, but you must stay with me on this).
With my ironclad theory in place, I received the following email from an informant who, based on my brilliant insight, has been actively avoiding the chilled refreshment of church water fountains:
“Important information. Stop. The 'sickness' is spreading. Stop. Must try to make it stop. Stop. Please find the inclosed correspondence from a minister of a small church to my sister. Stop. Actually, don't stop, read it. Stop.”
Yes, being that the communication was email and not telegraph, I too suspected that my informant had not been as diligent in avoiding water fountains as she had led me to believe.
(The following is the ACTUAL forward I received from a reader whose sister did receive it from a minister at a small church).
Subject: WE HAVE A GAY PRESIDENT
I Will Pursue Justice. The recent church history in America includes a lot of good men doing nothing. Men who are wired, called and empowered to be men of action, yet who choose to be soft, insensitive, and passive-men who fail to remember that " to one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, to him it is sin" (James 4:17). Don't you think it is time that the Church should raise her voice in righteous anger- even call peoples names to describe their blind indifference to Gods definition of Marriage that it should be between one man and one woman. If we don't challenge ungodliness and indecency in our culture, in government, in the entertainment media, and especially in the church then we're trying to be nicer than Jesus. Some fellow believers may be offended and think that this position may be to radical or too controversial but I can't just sit back and do nothing. I am calling for the church to arise and take a stand against our Presidents recent decision to support "Gay Marriage". Don't be swayed by prevailing political agendas, that tolerate sinful permissiveness and selfish desires that refuse to confront evil. We are called to love the world ( the people for whom Christ died ) in the way He loves it, and to hate the world ( its sin and rebellion against Him ) in the way He hates it. " whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God" (James 4:4). Please forward this to all who are trying to please God and not men.