by Rev. Mark Sandlin

Yes sir, we grow 'em on trees in these parts. Yet another NC minister has gone all “king of crazy town” when it comes to talking about homosexuality and the Bible. The idea that two people of the same sex could actually be in love seems to be some powerful mojo when it comes to NC ministers. It is like it sends them into a testosterone induced fervor that completely blinds them to the greatest hits of the Bible like, “thou shall not kill,” and “love thy neighbor.”

Oddly, there was a time when the same kind of fervor blinded the same kind of preachers here in the South and, because of it, a lot of people who were different from them ended up hanging from trees. Maybe it's not so odd. Maybe it's completely to be expected.

Yep, in certain Southern churches, gay is the new black. Realistically, it's not just Southern churches, but with North Carolina's recent passage of Amendment One and the viral YouTube video of the knock-the-gay-out-of-your-kid pastor, it wouldn't be surprising to find a few arborists diligently searching the hillsides of the gorgeous North Carolina foothills for the mythical Tree of Homophobia (which, ironically, I hear has leaves the colors of the rainbow). Just looking at the news over the last several months, while it would seem that all states have ministers that preach exclusion (and even violence) toward our LGBT brothers and sisters, North Carolina does simply seem to be better at it. “We're #1! We're #1! We're #1!”

So, the latest in the parade of “a-minister-REALLY-said-THAT?” circus here in N.C. is Pastor Charles L. Worley (please note my restraint in guessing what the “L” is for... clearly not “love” - okay, my near restraint). He believes, one assumes biblically, that “lesbians and queers” should be locked up inside an electrified fence until they die out. As I understand his argument, up until this point LGBT folk have been reproducing and creating little baby homosexuals and if all the “lesbians” are inside one fence and all the “queers” are inside another, well, they could no longer reproduce and hence - no more homosexual babies.

by Joel Rieves

My conservative brothers and sisters have been rather vociferous lately over what the Bible has to say about sexuality. To be honest, most of it has been quoted out of context. Cherry-picked, if you will. I’m sure you’ve heard that term before, it was all the rage back in early to mid-aughts to describe how the Bush Administration parsed intelligence leading up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq. If you’re still not sure what it means, let’s clear that up now. There are several definitions for the term, but the one that best fits what we’re discussing today comes from Dictionary.com: to choose or take the best or most profitable of (a number of things), especially for one’s own benefit or gain. Using this device, we’ve been told that the heterosexuality is the only acceptable “lifestyle” and that cohabitation in any form other than Christian marriage is verboten. I could spend days picking these arguments apart, but others have done a much better job than I ever could. Besides, I want to engage in a little cherry picking of my own.

If some folks can pull verses out the Bible and use them marginalize others and deny people their natural rights, then why can’t I do the same to defend those rights and welcome those people back into our fellowship? See what you think:

_by Rev. Mark Sandlin

The cover of Newsweek Magazine claimed the President got gay. So, I put on my gumshoes and started slapping the asphalt. It was time to get to the bottom of this seemingly disorienting change in orientation.

The deeper I dug the curiouser the case became. My fact finding skills were stretched to their limits, but in the end my superior ability to cobble together unrelated facts prevailed!

I have some bad news folks, al-Qaeda or some other notoriously insidious and nasty group has managed to spike the drinking fountains in the churches throughout the U.S. with some form of a hallucinogenic. You've got to give them this – it is a brilliant plan. Brilliant.

I mean, churches are the perfect place – just perfect – for working folks into a frenzy over something that is so obviously not true and then getting them to lead a crusade based on that very wrong idea.

What makes me think churches are the perfect place for such a crusade? Well, the Crusades for one.

What proof do I have that hallucinogenics are infecting my fellow church goers? Admittedly, it is early on in this nefarious infiltration via filtrated water, but think about it: who would be more likely to ingest higher quantities of water fountain water from churches than ministers? Right? Right. (Be watchful my friends).

If my airtight logic proves true, we will find evidence of some ministers talking crazy talk as a direct result of the mind altering hallucinogenics. (I know this is frightening, but you must stay with me on this).

With my ironclad theory in place, I received the following email from an informant who, based on my brilliant insight, has been actively avoiding the chilled refreshment of church water fountains:

“Important information. Stop. The 'sickness' is spreading. Stop. Must try to make it stop. Stop. Please find the inclosed correspondence from a minister of a small church to my sister. Stop. Actually, don't stop, read it. Stop.”

Yes, being that the communication was email and not telegraph, I too suspected that my informant had not been as diligent in avoiding water fountains as she had led me to believe.

(The following is the ACTUAL forward I received from a reader whose sister did receive it from a minister at a small church).